The Fellowship of the Ring As It Really Was
by Seremela Minyatur
Summary: this is a pretty funny version of LOTR dont be offended but please R&R!! rating cuz of some inappropriate sex humor and language
1. The beginning

The Fellowship of the Ring (As Read In Between the Lines)  
  
You may think that you know what the Fellowship is all about. You may be under the impression that the Fellowship of The Ring is one big heroic group of guys that go on a big adventure to destroy the One Ring, but then there are some things that you don't know.  
  
It all began on a sunny day in the shire when Frodo woke up to see Sam standing over him, breathing heavily.  
  
"That's it Sam!! I thought we ended this last night. I told you that things were getting too weird and that you had to go back to your own hobbit hole!" Frodo cried as he sat up in bed. Then he realized that he was not in his bed, but in the bathtub and Sam was about to get in.  
  
"But Mr. Frodo, I was about to get my bath on," Sam protested.  
  
"NO!!!" Frodo shrieked in a high pitched, girlish voice. "Gandalf, Gandalf!"  
  
A tall wizard entered and said, "Samwise Gamgee, that is quite enough. If you have nothing to do, you can go and trim the hedges. Out now." Sam muttered something about remaining with your own kind and left, his bright and perky mood considerably dampened.  
  
"Oh Gandalf, I knew you would come," Frodo said very happily. Gandalf then proceeded to give Frodo an after-bath massage. Frodo giggled with pleasure.  
  
Later that evening Gandalf and Frodo tied Sam up in the closet and went for a walk. They walked around in Frodo's beautiful garden and discussed their plans for what they would do when they were married. They were in the middle of discussing what was better, chocolate, plain, or low fat whipped cream when Sam burst out of the bushes. Frodo gritted his teeth and tried his best to smile at his former lover.  
  
"Sam, what are you doing here?" Frodo asked.  
  
Sam wore a sad look on his round face. He was still upset about the night before when Frodo told him that it was over.  
  
"But I was supposed to bring the cherries!" Sam cried.  
  
"Samwise, why were you listening to us and how on Earth did you get out of that closet?" Gandalf demanded.  
  
"Easy," Sam said with a huge grin. "I bit the ropes."  
  
"Remind me to order a hobbit size straightjacket," Gandalf whispered to Frodo.  
  
"For me?" Frodo whispered excitedly.  
  
"No," Gandalf whispered back. "You get the handcuffs."  
  
"Sam, we really need a while alone, Frodo said. Sam did not take the hint and they finally convinced him to run to the store and pick up some cherries. (Gandalf had secretly arranged for Merry and Pippin to meet him there and keep him occupied so he and Frodo could have a romantic evening together.)  
  
"Frodo I have something to show you." Said Gandalf.  
  
"Oh, Gandalf." Squeaked Frodo slyly yet excitedly. "Not until the honeymoon."  
  
"No, no. Although. oh, never mind I must stay on track. Anyway, here." Replied Gandalf, as he gave Frodo a ring.  
  
"Ring, what am I supposed to do with this?" Frodo asked confused.  
  
Gandalf chuckled to himself. " No, no, I'm getting off track again. Whatever you do with it, do not put it on. That is the Dark Lord, Sauron's ring."  
  
"You give me this ring secondhand! Did you steal it from Bilbo when you broke up?" Frodo cried.  
  
"What do you take me for, you ungrateful little hobbit?" Gandalf yelled, "The reason I am giving you this is because it is a great object of power that we are going to go destroy. I hear Mount Doom is wonderful at this time of year."  
  
Frodo was quiet. "Is that for our honeymoon?"  
  
"No we have to go right now. Those crazy drunk wraiths are already on their way because that stinker whore Gollum gave away some info," Gandalf said.  
  
Frodo threw his arms in the air and shouted, "Rushing, rushing! You are always rushing! Why must we take our honeymoon before we are married? I have morals, you know, Gandalf!"  
  
"Frodo, Frodo, why is your head so far up your ass?" Gandalf said, losing his temper.  
  
"Gandalf! I thought you loved me!" Frodo began to cry and collapsed on the ground. For a few moments, he was inconsolable.  
  
"Frodo," Gandalf called softly. "You know I love you. But we have a mission to go on, I will respect your morals until we are married, I promise. Though I don't see why you are so bothered. You slept with Sam for years!" Gandalf said with just of a hint of jealousy.  
  
"No!" Frodo said in denial. Then Sam jumped out of a bush.  
  
"Oh yes you did Mr. Frodo!" He exclaimed.  
  
Merry and Pippin followed close behind. "We didn't mean to lose track of him!"  
  
"It was your fault, Merry!" Pippin accused.  
  
"It was not!" Pippin retorted. They bickered for a few minutes and then began rolling around on the ground and slapping each other.  
  
"Enough, enough, you are getting me riled up just by watching you," Gandalf said. Frodo gave him a look of disgust.  
  
It had been a long night and Frodo was tired. He did not protest when Sam climbed into his bed. But it wasn't long before Gandalf crept into the house and woke Frodo.  
  
"C'mon, let's go," Gandalf whispered so he wouldn't wake Sam.  
  
"Right now? But I thought you said we were going to wait until our real honeymoon," Frodo said, confused. "Besides, how we will get around Sam?"  
  
"You fool! I meant it is time to leave. You know, our trip to Mount Doom. The last time I was there, there was a five star resort. Maybe I can convince you to.." Gandalf said.  
  
"No! Let's just go and try not to wake Sam. I can use a vacation from him," Frodo said.  
  
They snuck out of the house. Sam awoke to find that Frodo was not beside him. He screamed. Frodo and Gandalf were already well on their way. Sam ran down to Merry and Pippin's house as fast as he could, which wasn't very fast because he was a little on the chubby side. The three of them ran all the way until they caught up with Frodo. (Gandalf had already left, promising that he would meet him at the Prancing Pony. He had some loose ends to take care of with an old boyfriend.)  
  
"Sam? Merry? Pippin? What are you doing here?" Frodo asked. "The better question is what are you doing here, Mr. Frodo? You left me all alone!" Sam said, sounding genuinely hurt.  
  
"Sam, it's over. I'm with Gandalf now and we are not having a threesome," Frodo told him gently.  
  
Meanwhile in Isengard..  
  
Gandalf arrived in Isengard, a place that held many memories of a bad relationship with a fellow wizard, Saruman. He sighed. This would not be easy. Saruman was one to hold a grudge, and Gandalf was certain that he was still angry about when he had walked out on him to start a romance with Bilbo Baggins. Saruman had never understood Gandalf's fascination for hobbits.  
  
Yep, Saruman was still mad. At first he acted like he wasn't, but then when they went inside his tower, things got ugly. Gandalf was only managing to make him angrier, which generally was not a good thing.  
  
Saruman lifted his staff above his head and yelled, "Remember this? It was your favorite plaything!" He began to shoot sparks at Gandalf.  
  
"Stop it! Stop it! You know that makes me horny!" Gandalf screamed. It pretty much went downhill after that, especially since Saruman realized Gandalf's weakness. He imprisoned Gandalf and made him do obscene things that shall not be put into the story.  
  
Back In Bree..  
  
It was raining and Sam was having a fantasy about taking a warm shower with Frodo. It did not occur to him that Frodo was looking forward to getting to the Prancing Pony because then he would be reunited with Gandalf. Unfortunately, Gandalf was not there and Frodo was sad. Sam was not though. Merry and Pippin could really care less because they had each other.  
  
They had a very chilling experience on the way to Bree when they were chased by the ring wraiths. Frodo vaguely remembered that Gandalf had told him that the word "Nazgûl" had another meaning as well, which was "rape wraith". Frodo remembered that he had said "oh my virgin ears!", and then later remembered that he was not a virgin.  
  
Merry and Pippin were busy getting themselves ridiculously drunk, which isn't that hard when you are that small, when Frodo spotted a stranger lurking in a corner. Sam saw him too, and did not like his look. (Sam saw everyone as a threat to steal Frodo.) Sam was dragging Merry and Pippin up to the room that they were all sharing when he realized that Frodo wasn't with him. He screamed and dropped Merry on his head and ran to find Frodo.  
  
Frodo, at the time, was with the man called Strider, who he secretly found incredibly sexy. Strider was thinking of what Frodo would look like naked. He was saying something about being afraid, but Frodo was distracted by something that was about at his eye level.  
  
Sam came bursting through the door.  
  
"Damn, I forgot to lock the door again," Strider muttered.  
  
"I'll kill you if you hurt Mr. Frodo!" Sam shrieked.  
  
"I'm not going to hurt him. I just might..." Strider began to say something, but didn't. It had suddenly occurred to him what Sam's relationship with Frodo was.  
  
Oh, sorry little one I had no idea with you and."Strider began to say before being cut off by Frodo, who realized the disappointment in Strider's eyes.  
  
"There's nothing between me and Sam," Frodo whispered so only Strider could hear.  
  
Strider smiled slyly until he glanced at Sam and cleared his throat.   
  
Somehow, they all ended up in Strider's room, rather in their own hobbit-sized room. They also all ended up in one bed, which really bothered Sam. He had specifically requested a bed for just him and Frodo. He was worried that Strider was going to pull something. He made sure to situate himself between the two of them.  
  
In the morning they left Bree, Sam grumbling something about having no fun in sexual abstinence. He now had a pretty new pony to stare at. Sam tried to push the thoughts of doing something irrational with Bill the pony. Next to Bill, Strider's seems minimal, Sam thought smugly. And he is only a pony.  
  
Sam spent the whole day with Bill. Frodo chatted with Strider. What a slut, Sam thought. Who that was directed at, he had not decided.  
  
By night they were at Weathertop. Merry and Pippin had to start a fire since they were pyromaniacs, and Aragorn had been too busy trying to touch Frodo's butt that he had forgot to hide anything that was a fire hazard.  
  
Aragorn realized his mistake when he saw them approaching. "Oh shit, I forgot to hide all things flammable in my pants again, didn't I?" It was a good thing that Frodo was sleeping when Aragorn said this because otherwise he would have had perverted little fantasies about being in Aragorn's pants.  
  
Unfortunately, the rape wraiths also happened to be extreme pyromaniacs. The brilliant glow of the fire attracted them. Some speculate that they also wanted Frodo in their pants. So they arrived on their tall black horses and went after Frodo first, since he was closest to the fire. Three of them were attacking Frodo. Merry had two all to himself.  
  
"Why does this always happen to me?" Merry cried. "Is it because I am fat?"  
  
"Of course you aren't fat! You are skinny, and very attractive too!" Pippin said.  
  
"Oh I love you Pippin!" Merry said. They grabbed each other and started rolling around on the ground again. At least they didn't have to worry about being stabbed anymore. The wraiths were so disgusted that a couple of them (the homophobic ones) started throwing up.  
  
But Frodo was in a great deal of danger. Several of the wraiths were coming after him. They surrounded him and the leader of them whipped out his sword and stabbed Frodo with it. But it wasn't the type of sword you might think.  
  
It was clear that Frodo was badly affected by the attack; emotionally and physically. He needed help or he would die.  
  
~*Author's Note~ yes I know this is so incredibly dirty! Please don't be offended it is supposed to be funny after all! I love LOTR too so this isn't how I really think of it! Please R&R!!*~ 


	2. after the attack and rivendell

It was hard to tell who was panicking more, Sam or Frodo. Sam was running around like an idiot screaming. The rape wraiths had not even touched him, he was more concerned for Frodo, as he obviously still had feelings for him.  
  
Aragorn had been giving Frodo a piggy back ride, which was a problem as it was making him quite horny. Merry and Pippin seemed to busy seeing whether every part of them had survived the attack to notice that Frodo was in life threatening danger.  
  
"Put your pants back on and let's go," Aragorn said as he picked Frodo up once more. Frodo grunted in what almost seemed to be pleasure. Sam noticed it to and gave Frodo a kick in the ass.  
  
"Ow," he moaned. Aragorn gave Sam a sharp look.  
  
Just when Sam thought they had lost Frodo, a beautiful elvish princess rode up and a tall elegant grey horse. She and Aragorn began talking in elvish and Sam wondered what they were saying. It looked like she was going to be taking Frodo to Rivendell.  
  
As Aragorn put Frodo in front of her in the saddle, Sam got nervous. The thought of Frodo alone on a horse with a beautiful elf gave Sam the chills. But then he remembered that Frodo was totally gay, there was no way he would try anything with Arwen.  
  
He was about to say something to Arwen, so she didn't try anything, but Aragorn aimed a kick at his knees and ended up hitting a little north of there, so Sam was doubled over in pain.  
  
Arwen had never seen a hobbit before. At first she had thought that they were small children, but Aragorn said they weren't. She was also consumed with jealousy because she could tell that he definitely had a thing for the one that she was carrying. She considered dropping him off a cliff or something, but then she decided that Middle Earth was not worth it.  
  
It wasn't long before the rape wraiths caught on and began to follow them. At first they had been after just Frodo, but then they saw the gorgeous elf that carried him. Instant boner. The ring wraiths immediately forgot their orders from Sauron and went after their horny urges. They charged after her and she urged her horse into a run. Arwen didn't need to be raped to get some.  
  
They kept running, Frodo whining the whole time. Arwen was just about to let the rape wraiths have Frodo when they came to the river. They were over it and the rape wraiths could not get across.  
  
"Ha!" Arwen said. As their horses tried to step into the water, Arwen called on a bit of magic that she knew causing the river to rise and wash them away.  
  
Frodo fainted. The excitement was too much for him in his weakened state.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Frodo woke up to find someone sitting on him in the large bed that he was in.  
  
"Ahhhh! Get off me!" Frodo screamed.  
  
"Fine I will," a deep voice said, sounding hurt.  
  
"Oh Gandalf, it's you! I thought you were Sam. No, you don't have to get off. But you are kind of squishing me," Frodo said.  
  
Gandalf smiled in that crooked way that he did when he was fantasizing. But he did get off.  
  
Someone that Frodo had thought that he had seen before came into the room. He was an elf with long, dark hair, and a humungous forehead. He was wearing what seemed to be a girly tiara. Frodo found that alone very disturbing.  
  
"Frodo, this is my friend, Elrond," Gandalf said. Frodo was very disturbed by the way Gandalf said friend.  
  
Sam ran into the room. "Frodo! You're finally awake!" Frodo sighed, and no one was quite sure whether it was out of pain or annoyance. Gandalf and Elrond left the room then, and Frodo would have had a nice long cry if Sam hadn't climbed into the big bed with him.  
  
"This is a nice bed, isn't it Frodo? We could really have some fun," Sam said mischievously.  
  
"I don't feel like it Sam. I still don't feel back to perfect health."  
  
Sam scowled but he left the room. Frodo cried his little hobbit eyes out over the prospect of losing Gandalf to that big-headed elf. 


	3. the council of elrond

Frodo was feeling very depressed. He had been very observant for a hobbit, and had listened in since Gandalf was in a room next to his and the walls were not as thick as they should be. He had heard some inappropriate noises coming from there last night. It had broken his little heart.  
  
So the next morning, he had tried to feel something when Sam gave him a sponge bath. But he just did not find himself attracted to the other hobbit anymore. Sam seemed to notice that Frodo was feeling down, and he tried really hard to improve his mood by giving him a sensual massage.  
  
That afternoon, Frodo was walking alone in the gardens when he came across someone that he did not expect to see. It was Bilbo.  
  
Frodo felt a little better because he was reunited with his dear cousin Bilbo. One of Frodo's deepest darkest secrets was that he had had a crush on Bilbo for years. He had never done anything about it because they were so closely related. But there were those in Hobbiton that thought that Frodo had slept his way into being Bilbo's heir.  
  
"Bilbo!" he exclaimed.  
  
"My dear Frodo!"  
  
There was a moment of warm hobbit embracing in which Bilbo definitely grabbed Frodo's butt.  
  
Bilbo followed Frodo back up to his room. Frodo suddenly thought that they were going to... then he realized that Bilbo was going to give him a present, which was a coat of mithril. Frodo was a little alarmed by the way that Bilbo started pulling his shirt off.  
  
Bilbo saw the ring hanging from a chain around Frodo's neck. He knew that Frodo must have gotten it from Gandalf, and he was insane with jealousy. That ring had held a lot of meaning for Bilbo and Gandalf at one time. He hadn't known that Gandalf still had it after they broke up.  
  
Dirty man-whore. I bet he still gets around, Bilbo thought of Gandalf.  
  
Bilbo's reaction was a little too much for Frodo. He was still shaken after the attack of the rape-wraiths. Frodo broke down and began crying. Bilbo apologized, he had not been able to control himself this time.  
  
Frodo was consumed by grief. He had never told anyone this, but he was actually suffering from his break up with Sam, and now Gandalf was sleeping with someone else. He felt lonely, so he thought of who he could sleep with that night. Gandalf was obviously busy with Elrond, Aragorn actually had a girlfriend, that ever so sexy Arwen, and he was completely revolted by Sam. That left only Merry and Pippin.  
  
"I dunno, Merry," Pippin said skeptically.  
  
"It wouldn't be that big of a deal. You sleep with him, I sleep with him, we sleep with each other. That's all there is to having a threesome. Unless we all do it at the same time. But that would be pretty hard," Merry said.  
  
"I still don't know about it. You really are the only one for me, Merry."  
  
"I am not going to have feelings like that for Frodo. It's only until we can find him someone else."  
  
"Fine, let's give this whole threesome thing a try. What harm could it do?"  
  
That night Frodo ended up having a lot more fun than he thought he should be. He thought that there was no way Gandalf could possibly be having as good of a time with Elrond. They were both pretty old and it was harder for them to work it. Gandalf would be jealous of Frodo, he didn't have two hobbits at once.  
  
Frodo felt better than he had in a long time. Sam felt jealous again, and Frodo was worried that he would do something to hurt Merry and Pippin. The only reason he had not tried to kill Gandalf was because, well he was a wizard and Sam didn't even want to think about what Gandalf could do to him.  
  
That day was the council of Elrond. Frodo had been hoping for a party in his honor with male strippers or something, but he was out of luck. It was just a boring-ass "secret" council meeting. Frodo knew very well that it wasn't really secret because he had seen Merry and Pippin shagging in the bushes and Sam was near them somewhere with a very disgusted look on his face that seemed to say can't they wait until they get a room.  
  
The council was over the discussion of the ring that Gandalf had given Frodo. It wasn't that they disapproved of their engagement, even though Elrond was very jealous. Frodo was not really paying attention to what was going on.  
  
There was another elf, a blonde one that apparently went by the name of Legolas. Frodo was fascinated by him, or was it a her? He couldn't tell and hoped that he/she didn't catch him staring because he wanted to know. He assumed that Legolas was male because Elrond, who was so definitely (and openly) gay would not allow even his own sexy daughter, Arwen attend the meeting.  
  
Aragorn had a thing with her, Frodo knew. That must mean that he was bi or something, because Frodo knew that Aragorn had been staring at his ass, which even Frodo had to admit, was quite shapely for a hobbit.  
  
In addition to Legolas the other sexy elf, there was Boromir, a man, who had definitely seen Merry and Pippin as well. There was also what seemed to be a very large hairball, but when it grunted, Frodo realized that it was actually a dwarf.  
  
Elrond said something and everyone looked at Frodo. He still had no idea what was going on. So he stood up and said something about taking the ring to Mordor, hoping that Gandalf would decide to come with him. Then maybe they would get to see the five star resort together. But soon, everyone volunteered to go with, even Merry and Pippin, who had just jumped out of the bushes, and were still zipping their pants up.  
  
So they would be leaving Rivendell shortly and Frodo was excited. Elrond would be staying here, Gandalf was coming, and there were lots of other new people for him to "get acquainted with."  
  
The day that they were leaving, Frodo was feeling very annoyed by Sam, who had been trailing him the whole day and trying to make it look like an accident. Frodo managed to lock him a closet, but unfortunately, Aragorn found him right before they left. 


	4. the caradhras

Gandlaf walked in on Merry and Pippin in their room in Rivendell right before they were leaving. He was wondering why Elrond had been dumb enough to say that they could go along with the Fellowship and had half a mind to tell Elrond how much fun hobbits were.  
  
"You two are always going at it! Don't you ever stop?" Gandalf yelled at them, causing them to jump.  
  
"No, not really," Pippin said.  
  
"Well, good that you two love each other, bad when you do it in public. We're leaving," Gandalf said, and there was a rush to put clothes back on, which ended up in the hobbits wearing the other's clothes.  
  
Gandalf could only roll his eyes and hope that he Frodo never ended up like that. Btu Gandalf certainly wasn't as young as he had been and that made it highly unlikely anyways.  
  
"Can't you two ever go a whole hour?" Gandalf grumbled as they walked out to meet the others.  
  
"Nope, don't think so," Pippin said.  
  
"Fine, I'll bet you. I heard how much you two like threesomes so if you can go a whole hour, you get Sam for the night. He needs some cheering up, and he is hobbit anyways. If you don't make it an hour, you get Boromir, who has been feeling very lonely ever since he left Gondor," Gandalf said.  
  
Merry and Pippin looked at each other and agreed to the bet. After all, they thought, how hard could it be to go an hour?  
  
They found it a lot harder than they thought. Since they were on the road and it wasn't just Sam, Frodo, and them anymore, it would have been very hard to find a bush to jump into anyways, but they were growing desperate.  
  
Finally, after going 57 minutes, they could take it no more, and went behind a rock. Gandalf almost wanted to laugh since they had almost won the bet.  
  
They were taking a rest and Merry and Pippin were watching Legolas, the tall and graceful elf.  
  
"Look at his hair. You can totally see his roots. And those braids! They are so girly! And no man should ever be that elegant and graceful. Is he prancing around in front of Aragorn?" Merry said.  
  
Pippin didn't say anything back, he only nodded agreement. He was quite intrigued by the beauty of the elf, but he didn't dare say so. Pippin was listening to what Aragorn and Legolas were saying. They were talking about their previous occupations before they were asked to go on this quest. Legolas was saying that he had worked in a male elf strip joint where most of the guests had been othe rmale elves. Aragorn told him in a hushed voice that he had been a champion mud wrestler.  
  
Boromir invited Merry and Pippin to come fence with him. Pippin found himself actually enjoying it, especially when all three of them ended up rolling around on the ground. They were going to have a very fun night.  
  
The next day, they headed for the Caradhras. The snow was high enough that Frodo almost got lost and Merry and Pippin suggested that they all have sex to keep warm. Gandalf turned down the idea, saying that they needed to get to the Gap of Rohan before it closed. Legolas asked if he could shop when they were there and Gandalf told him to stop being such a gay little idiot.  
  
They were all frozen enough when Saruman decided that it would be really funny if he dumped snow on them. They were all pretty pissed off (not to mention cold) after that, but it also meant that they were going to have to find a different way.  
  
Gimli suggested going through the mines of Moria. Frodo agreed, his feet were already about to fall off from the cold, and Aragorn was carrying him, with pleasure. 


End file.
